In the fall of last year, I was pondering on what my word for 2023 would be. Our church has done this year after year, and I thought I would do one personally. As I prayed and reflected on how that year went for me and the circumstances I faced, I felt the word love so strongly.
I knew I needed to be more loving and generous because that is exactly how Jesus lived. I want to reflect every part of Him and love truly was His message.
It was probably late October or early November when I began to dive into this idea and ask the Lord “how can I be more loving?” Immediately, 1 Corinthians 13 came to me, specifically verses 4-8.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
While reading through this passage, I was able to pull out aspects that I had not been good at applying to my life. I knew I needed to be more patient, I knew I had been easily irritated, I knew there were clear changes that needed to be made. I called out to God asking for His help in making these changes. I asked for more patience and to be more kind.
After a few weeks, I felt no change. I felt like there was something still missing. I cried out to God asking Him what I was missing. Then the Lord brought me to another well-known passage, Mark 12:28-31,
And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
Of course, “love your neighbor as yourself” grabbed my attention, but not in the same way most people would think. I try my best to be loving to those around me, but what I was stuck on was the “as yourself” part. I realized that in order to love people, I needed to love who I was. And I don’t mean in physical aspects or appearance, I also don’t mean in a selfish way. I needed to love my character and what I was able to do.
You see, just a few months prior in August, my husband and I found out we were pregnant. We were over the moon and so grateful for this blessing. Day after day, the idea of becoming parents became more real. Five days after that positive pregnancy test, I woke up bleeding. I would soon come to know that I was having a miscarriage.
This loss broke me in so many ways. But I still had faith in God, I still believed that he would keep His promises and that we would be blessed in the future. But the pain was still very present. Through all of the blood loss, I became very sick and developed a respiratory infection, which soon turned into an ear infection. I knew I was feeling under the weather, but was unaware of the severity until I felt one of my ears pop. I finally went into urgent care to find out that my ear drum had ruptured. It was several weeks before I could hear normally again.
From the miscarriage, to then being sick, and then rupturing my eardrum, I felt like it was one thing after another. My body continued to be put through hardship and it couldn’t seem to fight. While I never gave up on God, I definitely gave up on myself. I honestly began to hate myself because I felt like I couldn't do the things that women are designed to do.
I thought I could compensate by trying to excel in everything else I did. I tried to be the best youth leader, the best wife, the best friend, sister, daughter, I tried to be the best in every situation. And when I would fail, I would beat myself up. I soon became angry and even more impatient, which was the complete opposite of what I was trying to be.
When I was brought to that passage in Mark 12, I began to realize where I was falling short. With the help of my husband and close friends, I was able to notice how I was essentially setting myself up to fail. I was placing unrealistic standards and expectations on myself that would be impossible to meet. It was only inevitable that I would fail, furthering the self-hatred cycle.
What I had to do was appreciate the abilities that the Lord gave me. I had to love who I was and what I was capable of doing and truly trust that the Lord’s promises would come to pass. If I wanted to love others, and I mean truly be loving, I had to display that same love for myself.
If you are currently struggling to love others, how do you feel about yourself? Look inwardly at your own heart, is it even full of love? Because you cannot give away what you don’t have.
